Those REALLY ANNOYING, plastic holder things on Soda....

I've been itching  for a VERY LONG time to lament ....BIG TIME...
about those CRAZY, PLASTIC things that are wrapped around 6-packs of soda....
You KNOW EXACTLY the things I'm referring to...
Those little, STRETCHY DEVILS that I find myself literally STRUGGLING with...
Pulling and out-foxing,,,,,
Jockeying and Flailing,,,,,,,,,
 JUST to get the Freakin' soda bottle OUT from under their smarmy grip !!!!
And then....
to add insult to injury...
after the INSANE sparring match has come to an end.....
and you sit DRIPPING with sweat....DEPLETED...on the kitchen floor.....
PARCHED...RED in the face,,,
Thirsting....
You open that soda bottle....RELIEVED....ANTICIPATING the sweet,
cold liquid hitting your tongue.....quenching that mind-blowing thirst...
And the entire thing EXPLODES in your face !!!!
because of the RIDICULOUS SHAKING and PIVOTING and ROCKING
that it's gone through during the battle....
Am I the ONLY victim of this INJUSTICE ??????

On Superfluous Opinions....

So we ALL pretty much "kowtow" to others judgments, opinions, advice...
Even though....
(And this is ALWAYS the case!)
Even though......
There is a gnawing, little voice in the back of our heads.....
 telling us as plain as day.......
that .......
"WHAT """"THEY"""" THINK DOESN'T MATTER"....
When.....
In actuality....
ONLY what ""they"" think matters...
Let's face it...
We are Aristotelian Puppets ...
Political...Weak...
all vying for the CHANCE to just OCCUPY the GOLDEN THRONE....
if only for a millisecond....
Oh, yes...
We spend our precious time jockeying for position and status and recognition....
ALL...
Mind you...ALL...
in the name of LOVE and BELONGING-NESS....
 

On "Keepin it Light"...

I think that we can all agree that the "UBER-DRAMA" thing is never the way to go....
All the Hollywood ups and downs become tiresome and redundant quickly...
No question...

Having said that...
What's up with the "Keeping it Light" thing ???
What does it mean ?
That REALITY should not be allowed in from the cold ?
That ONLY sunshine and popsicles are deemed appropriate dining options on the Menu of Life ?

What happens when there is a Death ?
or a Fire ?
Should these things not be disclosed to the "Keeping it Light" people ?

What if you have a BONE TO PICK with a member of the "Keeping it Light" order ?
Just FORGET about it ????
Let Bygones become Bygones ?

What about DEPTH ?
What about Homeless People and Cancer Kids and The HOLOCAUST ???
What about GOD ?

Is GOD keeping it light ???

How long must we PLAY the "Keeping it Light" card ?
(if at all...?)

The Shelves were stocked with ORANGES and TURPENTINE....

On this icy and grey day....
the scent of ORANGES could be detected even from a distance...
The cold itself, somehow, made the oranges that much more INVITING....
That Citrus Aroma ....Heady ...
And yet...
as per usual.....
the TURPENTINE took its place on the center stage of her sojourn.......
For the turpentine was like blood for her....like AIR....
It literally THINNED the membrane ...the cartilage....
which had collected, yet again, in her mind's eye....
And of course,
as that "silver thread" of "Artistry"....of "Creation-ism"
was physically loosened by the onslaught of FIGURATIVE TURPENTINE...
(the "turp" having been CROWDING the CREATIVE CENTER)...
Ideas and Imaginings and STAUNCH, HARDY IMAGERY began flowing lovingly...
with free reign even,,,,,,,'
out from under the shackles of MOVING BOXES and other sundry PARAPHERNALIA....

And so it went.....
Winter was upon them.......

She just could NOT get SETTLED....

What was it exactly that was standing in her way ?

Was it the boxes of "stuff" still waiting to be unpacked ?
Was it the sheer confluence of space which felt almost superfluous to her?
Was it the "realization of a dream"?
The Fantasy becoming the Reality ?
Was it the fact that she had SUCH a hard time GIFTING herself with ANYTHING ?
For example:
The easel(s) should ABSOLUTELY go into the DINING ROOM....
NO QUESTION ABOUT IT...
That's where the MAGIC would happen...
the sunlight...the brick....the pure CHI of the spot really...
But in her almost "Stockholm Syndrome-ish" way, she felt that she was actually
BETRAYING the DINING TABLE !!!!

Hellllloooo !!!

The DINING TABLE did not have feelings!!!!
(Except in Shamanism!) 
 LOL

And EVEN THOUGH she had effortlessly set up the dining table in the
 LOVELY and AMPLE KITCHEN ....

The woman felt GUILTY 100% of the time...
What was THAT ???

Her "Child of Holocaust Survivors" upbringing ??
Her Judaism ?
Her Mistaken Marriages ?
Somebody needed to SHAKE THIS WOMAN but good !!!

ENOUGH already....

 

I won't insult you with the "Let's be GRATEFUL" Vitriol....

I mean....COME ON....
There are PLENTY of people in this "great country" who are DYING for a break...
a smidgen of LUCK....
a bit of LOVE even....
There are people who are simply DYING...
Should THEY be GRATEFUL ??
For WHAT exactly ?
And who, prey tell, are WE, to FORCE our PATRONIZING PLATITUDES upon them ??

Nor will I Re-Hammer the story of the Pilgrims making their arduous way to Freedom and Democracy...
(YAWN)
Do we THINK we live in a DEMOCRACY ???
Last time I checked, the MAYOR of New York was DICTATING (emphasis on DICK!)
what he THINKS our level of POLYUNSATURATED FAT INTAKE should be....
Democracy ?
Oligarchy maybe ?

This year, for the first time in MANY years,
Thanksgiving and Chanukah coincide....
This seems Arbitrary, at best....No big deal, albeit perhaps a bit odd...
But this COLLISION of Momentous Days got me thinking....

What are we all doing here  ?
SURVIVING ??
TRYING ???
BUILDING ???
Have we reached the CONSUMMATE, EXISTENTIAL DILEMMA ?
Is there GOLD at the end of our HOLIDAY RAINBOW ???
How are the RATES on GOLD today anyway ??

Will TURKEYS stuffed with POTATO PANCAKES really assuage the suffering of the masses ?
of the FEW perhaps ?

Are we making the BEST of a BAD situation ?
or...
Are we simply being HUMAN and finding BASIC ways
 to REJOICE and REGROUP and RECONNOITER ???

What say you ?

 

And after ALL this time....Suburbia Tomorrow....

After EVERYTHING....
After the Urban Legends....
Even after the Urban Myths  ....
After the comings and goings of cars and tables and boyfriends and parties ...
and apartments by the dozen...
of SHOULD I's...
and COULD I's....
and plants dying...
and Parents crumbling....
and sweet doggies being put to sleep...
After the Rib Roasts...
and the Whole Foods...
And the Yoga...
And the Kosher Nosh....lol
After the Bar Mitzvahs and the Weddings...
and the Funerals and the Divorces...
After the SHULS and the SCHOOLS .....
and the POOLS and the RULES......
and the Trips.......and the Music.....yeah...THE MUSIC...
After the DRAMA and the BLISS and the HEARTACHE and the UTTER CHAOS......
and after the LAUGHTER...
The TORRENTS OF PURE, UNDILUTED LAUGHTER...

When ALL is said and done....

Fay Toby Gotesman and Brendan Isaac Schneier are finally :

IN DAAA HOUUUSE......
 

JUST DESSERTS...

Funny thing.....
It seems to me that "JUST DESSERTS are neither SWEET enough...
nor JUST enough ....
to be labeled "Just Desserts"....
Nonetheless.....
Dessert is SERVED....
And is the JUST DESSERT served BEST "COLD" ????
When does the "punishment" long surpass "the crime" ?
What is RETRIBUTION ???
Is it a DIVINE ORDER ?
or...
Is it simply US beating OURSELVES over our DAFT HEADS.....
with a RED, DENSE BRICK ....
in order to somehow LOOSEN a modicum of REGRET ?
(The REGRET PARTICLE has been buried beneath SINEW and BRAIN "MATTER" for a VERY long time!)
 "EXPOSED BRICK" comes to mind somehow...

In any case, MUST we FORGIVE ourselves for MIS-DEEDS ??
for MIS-STEPS ?
Were they INDEED MIS-ANYTHINGS ????
Isn't everything EXACTLY as it should be ?
(What IDIOT said that ??)
Turkey and Stuffing and Tryptophan...
Mis-sed TRIPS to ITALY and SWITZERLAND....
AND FLORIDA !!!!
EXPOSED BRICK indeed...
Movers...Shakers....
DIATRIBE....
Assistant Rabbis...Garage Attendants...
HOLIDAYS confusing our ALREADY-SPENT capabilities....
Turkeys, in fact, stuffed with POTATO PANCAKES....
Which holiday is it again ????
Yellow Boxes and Red Books and Blue Hats....
Maserati...Benz....Whaaaat ???

And our lovely Hair...the color of Cinnamon and Nutmeg...

Yup....





 

Privacy or What ???

We ask ourselves throughout our lives....
time and time again...

Is being ALONE "LONELY"?

OR...

Is it GRAND ?

Does curling up and watching a great, old movie.>>>>> ALONE
LOSE SOMETHING without the very SPECIFIC feel of a MAN "spooning" you at the same time ?

Is COMPROMISE WISE ?
Is SHARING necessarily BETTER ???
more meaningful somehow ?

And what if the compromise is SO COMPROMISING ........
that you YOURSELF get lost in the shuffle of MEDIOCRITY ?
of GREY AREA ??

Is there room in ANYONE'S CAVE for an EQUAL ?
Or is every union really somewhat LOPSIDED,,,,,
 hence FILLING the inevitable, PREGNANT SCIZM of UNEVEN DISTRIBUTION
with words and hands and food and bathwater ???
and SEX ??

Wouldn't it be SIMPLER somehow to just HAVE the hands, food, and SEX
WITHOUT
committing to enormously HEIGHTENED LEVELS OF COMPROMISE ???

What say you ?



 

On "Judgement"...

Yes, my friends....
Like it or not....We JUDGE....
Interestingly, the concept of "JUDGEMENT" has taken on very negative connotations...

But let's face it, Watson....
We are not perpetually in a state of Savasana... (Corpse Pose)...
where we've been ACTUALLY PHYSICALLY attempting to EMPTY OURSELVES of ALL things TANGIBLE..
Life is not one big YOGA MAT...

 In reality, our ability to JUDGE is simply a human mechanism
 which serves as our Intellectual and Moral GUIDE....
OF COURSE, we judge...
We judge OTHERS on their CHOICES, their LOOKS, their TASTE, their RELATIONSHIPS...
For God's sake.....EVERYTHING we do is motivated by some level of JUDGEMENT...
And it goes without saying, (sadly, I suppose)
that we spend 150% of our time JUDGING OURSELVES...
(in most cases, pretty damn harshly!)

So...my message on this Veteran's Day, 2013 ?

Perhaps RETHINK your perception of "JUDGEMENT"...
And cut yourself a little slack......
 

A Plethora of Choices...

Too many to count...
Flying at me like Whirling Dervishes...
Houses...Castles....
A RED Roof...
A Cobblestone walkway...
Swiss Cheese...
Contests...
REALLY YOUNG MEN...
OLD-ish ones...
(with probable SAGGY TUSHIES!)
ewwww
Highlights...Lowlights...
Funky...Classic....
ELVIS COSTELLO...
KENNY ROGERS ??
Whaaat ?
Facebook...
Twitter...
Italy...
(Italy's a No-Brainer!!) 
ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS...
ENGLEWOOD PROPER....
Do I ?
Can I ?
WILL I ?
9 months to decide ?????
Like a PREGNANCY....
Is 9 months a LONG TIME ?
Or just the "bat of an eyelash"?
NOT a FALSE EYELASH...


 

The Hunt for FABULOUS....

First and foremost, let me say that JEWS DO NOT HUNT.....(fact!)
It is simply "not done", generally speaking...
Indeed, we have very strict  codes in place with regard to the most "merciful killing" of animals...
Having said all of the above....
I, MYSELF, have been involved in a HUNT as of late...
NOT a hunt for ANIMALS...Nooooo...God forbid!
Rather, a hunt for a HOUSE...
A labor-intensive, stress inducing chase to the ultimate finish line...
(The finish line being a FABULOUS HOUSE in a FABULOUS LOCATION....
with FABULOUS NEIGHBORS,,,,FABULOUS APPLIANCES....
and of course....a FABULOUSLY LOW PRICE!)
Well...
I'm here to report that the HUNT FOR FABULOUS is NOT without its problems, hindrances, and obstacles,,,,
AU CONTRAIRE...
THIS Road is chock-full of TINY, LITTLE, IDIOSYNCRATIC HOO HAA!
What COLOR is your HAIR ?
How BLUE is your BLOOD ?
What IF ...
Then WHAT ???
They are SO CAREFUL, that they end up SHOOTING THEMSELVES IN THE FOOT...
Hence becoming STUCK in the QUAGMIRE OF PICKYOOOONY- ness....
 STUCK, I tell you !!!!
with CHEAP FIXTURES and REALLY OLD OVENS and PLUMBING that is SO ARCHAIC
that one must, quite literally, LEAVE THE HOUSE in order to SHOWER...
Whaaaaat ???!!!


 

Old Friends....New Friends....

They come and go...
The FUN ones...
The HOT ones...
The MEAN ones....
The CRAZY ones...
People saunter in and out of your life with frequency and commitment to the
"NON-COMMITAL STANCE"...
And some STAY the distance...
They park their tattered and war-torn vehicles in the "HALL OF Long-Term Gobbledygook"...
And they STAY...
Getting Ticketed, Booted,,,,,TOWED EVEN....
Their commitment to the GREATER PICTURE of FRIENDSHIP and BLISS is...
UNWAVERING....
They are NON-PLUSSED by Societal Meandering and Yodeling...
They bring baskets full of BAGELS...
tied with RED and YELLOW ribbon...
All-the-while knowing FULL WELL that the scrumptious,
 Heaps of
DOUGH and WHITE FLOUR
score a BIG ZERO on the scoreboard of ALL THINGS  NUTRITIONAL...
And yet...
As you spread the "buttered love" on the obsequious, and UNDER-APPRECIATED objects...
you smile, a bitter-sweet, ever-so-delicate smile....
 remembering a time, not so very long ago....
 when you REALLY BELIEVED that
FRIENSHIP was FOREVER...
that LOVE was EVERYTHING....
And so it goes...

A GOOD Toby Story......

When's the last time you guys heard a good TOBY story ???
Here's one:
After an ENDLESS DAY of JUGGLING MINUTIA, I was on my way home, and stopped on a hill behind a black car...
The guy was literally just sitting there playing with his phone...
I could not get by, so I honked 2x...
He then turned his POLICE LIGHTS on and drove away...
A few minutes later, lo and behold, he is behind me, siren ...going...
I pull over,,,he comes over to the car,,,
and he says, "LICENSE AND REGISTRATION"...
I go, "ARE YOU SERIOUS ???"
He goes "DEAD SERIOUS"...
I go, "Listen, pal, you were sitting in the middle of the road not moving...
just playing with your phone....Had I KNOWN you were a cop, I would not have honked at all, but WHY NOT honk at some random guy blocking traffic for no reason?"
He goes, "I don't care"
I go, "THIS SMELLS AND FEELS LIKE ENTRAPMENT....Look me dead in the eye and tell me I did something SITATION-WORTHY":
I go on to say: "I'm gonna get you for this...It smacks of entrapment and ANTISEMITISM!"
He goes, "Whaaaaaatttt ???? Antisemitism ???? Where did you come up with that ????"
I go, "Im a Jewish woman driving a Mercedes an hour before Shabbos...
I wasn't speeding...I wasn't on the phone...I did not honk excessively...
What, SIR, would YOU label this as ?"
He goes, "OK OK... Relaxxxxx....It's just a warning..no ticket..."
I go, "A warning against WHAT ???"
He goes, "Go home, and please forget this whole incident ....MYBAD..."

On Teeny, Tiny Oranges....(and Life)...

As I actually, literally REVELED in the FLAVOR and SUCCULENCE
of a very TINY, PERFECT orange...
it dawned upon me , with utter clarity....
that sweet, succulent moments...
are indeed few and far between...
That EVERYTHING GOOD is fleeting...
Interestingly, this reality only seems to pertain  to POSITIVE times...
For it would appear that the BAD TIMES strrrrrretch on.....
often times without an end in site....

So...
WHY am I writing about something as trivial and non-negotiably inconsequential as an  ORANGE, you ask ???
Not to worry, dear readers !
I am not looking to embark upon some theory of quasi-existential "nonsense"....
I am not admonishing YOU, or even MYSELF, for not APPRECIATING LIFE....blah blah...

Rather....
I am simply, humbly suggesting....
 that PERHAPS....
 we should attempt to HOLD ON to these droplets of extraordinary SUGAR....
even for just a little longer than our comfort levels allow...

What would that look like ?

There was a Blue Haze Over Everything Today....

The Haze came NOT from the recent Equinox...
Nor did it appear to stem from any specific weather pattern...
Rather...
This somewhat smoky, decidedly ethereal, "entity" appeared to be JUST THAT...
Some sort of Heavenly Body....
A Spirit perhaps...
For she knew FULL WELL that NOBODY else was experiencing it...
Just SHE...
She stood next to the river, drinking iced tea...contemplating...
And her BLUE "friend" floated just above her ....
Hearkening somehow...

On Tragedy....

What constitutes TRAGEDY ?

Is it 2 planes hitting 2 buildings and exploding on impact, killing and maiming countless people ?

Is it the bodies that were buried alive beneath the rubble and debris of the Twin Towers, never to be found ?

Is it the SHIFT in society which occurred just immediately after the crashes ?

Is it the fact that we now have to UN-dress in order to board a flight ?

Is it that EVERYWHERE we turn, there are policemen, rendering this place an essential POLICE STATE ?

Is it TRAGIC that our "revered INTELLIGENCE" didn't KNOW ?

How about the fact that we literally CRINGE at the site of a TURBAN ???
Is that TRAGIC ?

What constitutes a TRAGEDY ?

On this Misty day....

She felt the cold thud of raindrops falling on her shoulders and face as she ran for the car...

The rain was hard...BLUNT against her skin...

And the day was hot...humid...

So much so that the condensation created a veritable CLOUD of SMOKE sizzling UP out of the streets....

Something about this site made her feel sentimental....nostalgic...wistful even..

Summer was done....Just like that....

The carefree, barefooted days were being replaced imminently with short , dark ones...

There would be Beef Stew and Hot Chocolate....

No more Pink Lemonade....

She brushed a TEAR from her face...

At least she THOUGHT it was a TEAR..

Perhaps it was simply a lone raindrop, clinging ever-so-tightly to her still SUN-KISSED cheeks...

 

And They Wore Hats....

The redheaded ladies...
Hats adorned with feathers and ribbons and lemons...
One sparkly redhead even wore a CEMENT BLOCK on her head...
And they paraded along Main Street as though they OWNED IT....
as though they OWNED MAIN STREET...
For the ONLY establishments OPEN on this particular, GREY MORNING of the parade
were Hat Stores,,,,
Hat Makers and off-the-rack Hat shops lined the streets of the small,seaside town....
MANY of the redheads were nibbling on Rhubarb as they strutted their stuff ....
being cheered on by HOARDS of Beachcombers and Religious Emissaries...
And well...
The rest ??
I'll have to ponder that....

 

And she lived NOT in a Cage Made of Golden Bars,,,,

But rather....
in a BOX....
made of driftwood and glue....
They had, at some point,
clearly snuck into her BOX and painted it YELLOW...
NOT the yellow symbolic of FEAR or TIMID CONSTERNATION...
No...
The Yellow of BABY CLOTHING...
and BUTTER...
and Sunlight with a cloud just barely in front of....
NOT blocking its light, but sensitizing it in a way...
making it a tad DEMURE...DEFUSED...
Yes...
Defused Butter...
In any case, she had not chosen the box, as ordinary people choose their homes...
Rather...
IT had chosen HER...
And it had TRAVELED....(the BOX)
She suspected that it had originated in the Hamptons....
and made its way to FLORIDA...
(as Hampton-ites tend to do!)
And somehow, LO and BEHOLD.....
The box had LANDED.......Ker PLUNK !!!
in the Hudson River....en route to...
Ya ready ???
NEW JERSEY ???  (of all places)...
She had instantly moved in...
being a nomad in Jersey herself....
and well...
The rest ??
Well....
Le reste appartient à l'histoire...

 

Unicorn Woman.. (for Ellen)

Somehow...
Some way...
She seems to have gotten there before WE did...
What evidence do we have to lend CREDENCE to this wildly exotic finding, you ask ?
Well...
Here's an anecdote:
We painted a Reddish Blond woman walking on the Upper East Side in a green coat...
At the time of inception, we, of course, had no clue, (as per usual), WHO this woman was...
For all we knew, she was just another figment of our VOLUPTUOUS IMAGINATION...
But...
LO and BEHOLD, many months later,,,,,
the ACTUAL Strawberry Lady APPEARED !!!
Green coat and ALL !!
Did we CONJURE her in our cauldron of color and shape ??
OR......(Big OR)
Did SHE conjure US ???
For.....
 as we stood agape...
watching this woman (whom we had RENDERED with OUR BRUSH),
come to life...
we realized that there were indeed COSMIC FORCES at play...


 

NAZI NERVE

So the "Germans" pay a small monthly pension to the survivors, as you all know..(Reparations)
And my mom gets a nominal amount...
(Considering that the NAZIS murdered half her family)
And every year they require a "Proof of Life" certificate, which requires mom to go to the notary with me, etc...
(which we did, even though she can barely walk!)
And every year, this GERMAN guy writes these "ADDED" ...letters, saying they need for proof from Drs , etc...
So rather than being POLITE, which will NEVER occur when dealing with these swines, I wrote him a letter back saying simply,
"Must I remind you, YET AGAIN, that YOUR people MURDERED HER FAMILY? I'm sure my friends at the New York Times would LOVE to know
how much CONSTANT VERIFICATION you require.." >>>>>>

On Simpatico....

There are those,,,,,
 I'm here to tell you...
who REALLY, PROFOUNDLY "Get It"...
And conversely, of course, those who simply DON'T...
And the thing is...
You cannot TEACH "GETTING IT"...
It's an innate component.....
Even further...
Once one realizes that someone else "GETS IT"...
said "like mind" must be harvested and crop-dusted in appropriate stages...
FOR...
Even though they APPEAR to GET IT....
they may very well be AFRAID of the ramifications embedded therein...
GETTING IT, after all...
is NOT always the stance of choice...
It may, in point of fact,
 be very lonely at the top of the ESOTERICA LADDER...
and actually somewhat damp up there among the Cirrus clouds....
It's probably MUCH more comfortable and NON-THREATENING down below...
in the "Public Picnic Area" for UN-like minds....
In fact,,,,
once in awhile,,,,,
one can actually catch an AERIAL VIEW of the Relay Races and Barbecued Meat being served
at the PICNIC of SIMPLICITY...
Bland Condiments GALORE !!
Oh, yes....
But perhaps lacking a bit of TABASCO ?
 

Unbelievable Story !!!

So, I was in a parking lot a few hours ago...walking into a store....
And I saw an old woman standing by a car, looking confused...
And the parking lot was very crowded..
And there was something...uhhh...'familiar' about her...
Anyway, I stopped and asked if she needed help...
And she said, "Youre so sweet...What a nice girl..Thank you..."
And she points to an old man walking around kind of aimlessly...
And she says, "There's my husband..He probably forgot where we parked.."
So I went and got him, and I began speaking Yiddish with them because I picked up immediately on their Polish accents...
And it turns out...
Ya ready for this ???
The man was in Auschwitz with MY FATHER !!!!!!!!!!

On Wearing "Boxing Gloves" ALL the Time.....

They are perched...
at the ready...
awaiting the STORM....
the FIGHT....
They are SO ready, in point of fact,
to just hall off and DUKE it out,,,,,
that their minds have actually LOST SIGHT of what it is they are about to defend !!
They are perpetually on the DEFENSIVE...
They are ENRAGED about:
Politics
Homosexuality
Music....
MUSIC !!! (yikes)
They think :
This one's too SEXY...
and
This one's too HAPPY...
and they PROFOUNDLY BELIEVE..
That it's all just a BIG, FREAKING ABOMINATION...
And that we have morphed, UNBEKNOWNST to us,
into BAD, DOOMED Citizens....
But...HERE'S WHAT....silly naive...
You are SO BUSY being angry...
and boasting about your "Godliness"...
that you have forgotten GOD entirely...
You just sit on your ass in your Middle American Tower...
(The tower is made of LOGS,,,,NOT "IVORY" alas...)
And you go to your dark, mundane office on the daily...
And after a dinner of probable SPAM and POTATOES...lol
you take that JUDGEMENTAL ASS to your DRAB, ACTION-LESS bedroom...
where you sit behind your antiquated laptop...
and proceed to PONTIFICATE to your CYBER-FAMILY...
about how YOU, because of your EXCEPTIONAL PIETY, will be saved...
Now, I ask you, Princessa...
What's wrong with this picture ?

It's NOT a CHIP on your shoulder...

It's the DENSE WEIGHT of SUPERFLUOUS INFORMATION........

On QUOTING Scripture, but not LIVING Scripture...

Have you ever been in the position of knowing a person for a long time,
and kind of "overlooking" certain traits that you found,
 ummm,
"LESS THAN DESIRABLE" ?
for the sake of....
well,
 I don't really know what SAKE it was for!
 lol
But suffice it to say that we, at times, find ourselves in situations that we probably should
NEVER have created in the first place...
And make NO MISTAKE...
We DID create them....
For some weird reason, we lent our "overly-loaded" ears to superfluous hoo-haa...
when in actuality,
we were SO busy with SO many REALLY IMPORTANT things...
But somehow we became TRAPPED in a cage of DOGMA being spat at us...
HURLED at us really.....
from some trashy, IVORY-esque tower,,,,
Strange, but true....
And during these "BROO-HAA" sessions,,,
we had become increasingly AWARE of the
HUMONGOUS,RED FLAGS perched just behind our FRONTAL LOBE...
And for a BRIEF MOMENT ...(a few years actually!!!!)
we IGNORED those flags......
And then one fine and glorious day,,,
we awakened from our COMA......
only to realize,,,,
FINALLY !!!
that this was PURE, UNADULTERATED BULLSHIT.......
and we wanted OUT...
We don't LIKE those pseudo-pious haters of GAY People....
We can't STAND their STAND on CHOICE....
In fact, we DETEST those viewpoints...
We think back on the time we've spent with them...
and we realize. full well,
 that we have NEVER,
 but NEVER,,,
heard of ONE, SINGLE, KIND or CHARITABLE act they had actually DONE....
EVER.....
They were QUOTING SCRIPTURE right and left...
But they were never LIVING SCRIPTURE......
And in the BAT of an "EYELASH",,,,
we FREE ourselves...
just like that......

OK ... I GET IT......

So...
I heard that a woman who works as a waitress in a Kosher Deli that Brendan and I frequent was
diagnosed with lung cancer a short time ago...
It's Stage 4, and there is virtually NO HOPE...
She's a lovely woman,,,,came to my last exhibit...so kind to Brendan...
I felt SO bad when I heard...SO bad...
So I decided that I would pay her a visit in the hospital while I still can...
I went there...she was overjoyed to see me....and it was really very nice...
Long story short...
I have a pretty advanced Reiki Certification,,, which I rarely talk about...or even think about...
I also come from a pretty extraordinary line of "Healers"...
(Those of you who knew my brother KNOW THIS...)
In any case, while we sat and talked, I had a very EMPHATIC need to put my hands near her tumors..and I asked if she would mind...and she was Thrilled actually...
Now her sister was present as well, and her sister began weeping terribly....
Apparently, she had been "PRAYING TO JESUS CHRIST" (I'm quoting)
for a miracle just MOMENTS before I entered the room...
Needles to say, she felt profoundly that I, in fact, possessed the ability to "work that miracle"..
and that God had indeed answered her prayer...
All I knew was that I just HAD to place my hands onto the spots which I was feeling compelled by...
So...
I did ...
And I ended up putting my face onto the spots as well...
And I felt , in a way, that I was almost SUCKING the death OUT of her system...
IMPOSSIBLE to explain in anthropomorphic terms really...
But POSITIVELY the feeling that I had....
To the extent, that I actually FORGOT where I was entirely....
I came very, very close to blacking out...became literally EXHAUSTED...
I had given EVERYTHING I had to making a difference in the woman's story....
When I looked up, her face was serene in a way that told me she somehow felt better...
Not ONE MINUTE LATER, a nurse came running down the hall into the room to say that she
needed to take the woman immediately to a new test the Doctor had JUST ordered...
The timing was weird, as the sister told me that they always alerted them 24 hours in advance of any tests being scheduled, so this was "NOT NORMAL"....
I kissed her and left the hospital......

Have you ever been helplessly watching a TRAIN WRECK about to happen ??

And you KNOW it's gonna be some crazy shit, ,,
you KNOW it...
But you are HELPLESS to stop it,,,,,,
even though you REALLY want to  ....
Because NOBODY's LISTENING !!!!!
grrrrrrrrrrr
Have you ever been in that situation ?
And to boot, YOU yourself, SOMEHOW,,,,
 are becoming a strangely injured party in the inevitable wreckage..
 BEFORE it occurs...
Are you following this "train"(lol) of thought ?
Furthermore,,,,
 EVERYTHING you attempt to say to stop the EXACERBATION of the bad situation...
comes out sounding as if YOU are the CAUSE of the thing.......
Ohhhh,,,,the INJUSTICE of it all...

What does INDEPENDENCE mean to you ?

Independence...
A concept with myriad meanings...

Is Independence the "ability to stand ALONE" ?
Autonomously ?
Is it the BREAK from some kind of "Puppet Master" ?
The novelty of having no Authoritative Body 'governing' ones moves  ?

Is Independence a GOOD THING ?
Always ?
Is it a LONELY state to be in ?
A MATURE state ?
A STUBBORN state ?

What does Independence mean to YOU ?
 

The Cemented Position..

We spend our days...our LIVES really...
perpetuating the MYTH that we are actually ASPIRING to CHANGE...
to GROW...
We are the first ones in the YOGA STUDIO,
placing our mats QUIETLY, yet deliberately, on the floor...(crossing NO boundaries)
(mindful of others' PERSONAL SPACE) !
And for some ABSURD REASON, we actually tell ourselves that as a RESULT of our 'practice'...
   we will become: Better PEOPLE
                               Better WIVES
                               Better MOTHERS
                               Better FRIENDS
As I'm typing this, I'm chuckling at the RIDICULOUSNESS of this statement...
But make no mistake, my friends...
There are COUNTLESS people who do the aforementioned EVERY DAY,
believing sincerely that their souls will somehow ASCEND...ILLUMINATE even..
Granted, the body will look "KICK-ASS" after the Yoga...no question....
But the SOUL ???
Really ??

On Dating.......

When I ask a man how OLD he is,,,I am NOT referring to DOG YEARS...

Here's a good "Toby Story"....
I was in the supermarket about an hour ago in yoga pants and a turquoise top and flip flops...
So I'm feeling the PINEAPPLES,,lol...and this guy in a beautiful suit, very tan...walks over and says, "That's a GORGEOUS COLOR on you"...
(kind of elegantly actually)
and I, being the self deprecating yet arrogant woman that I am, said
"Jeeez, you should see me when I REALLY look good!"
And he said,"Let's try and make that happen.."...
And I literally RAN AWAY, leaving him agape...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME ?????
I'm so ridiculously aloof to men.....
Thoughts ?

On "Getting Away"....

How far away must one travel in order to REALLY be 'AWAY' ?
Can we simply lock our LOCAL, bedroom door
and sequester ourselves for a long weekend without phone or laptop ?
Would that qualify as "Getting Away" ?
Or..
Must we really LEAVE ?
Board a plane...fly to an 'un-charted' location ?
Is that really FURTHER ? Really ??
More REMOTE somehow ?
Are we AWAY, at times, EVEN while we are still HERE ?
What exactly IS "GETTING AWAY" ?

On Fathers...

The FIRST TORAH commandment to a Father is:

"Teach your child to SWIM..."

Curious, right ?
Why would such a seemingly abstract tenant be the FIRST ?
Well.....
It's not so abstract really...
The message is quite clear...

in other words:

Teach your child to SURVIVE...

Teach your child to CHOOSE LIFE...

Teach your child to LIVE...

An INGENIOUS, LIFE-AFFIRMING message really.......

"Teach your child to swim.."

Is it Possible ??

Do you think that it's REALLY possible to "take care" of oneself TOTALLY...
while aggressively taking care of someone else ?
Does one side suffer ?
Can we give 100% to 2 entities at once ?
According to my "humble" calculations, we each have in our "handbag" of resources...
only 100% in entirety...
Based on this premise, it would be virtually IMPOSSIBLE to GIVE 200%...
Right ?

Have "Hashtags" Replaced Search Engines ?

Things are moving VERY, VERY quickly....
The worlds of technology and communications seem to have melded into
ONE BIG ELECTRIC, THINK TANK...
You buy a computer on Wednesday, and by Friday, it's OBSOLETE...
You hear tidbits and snippets of conversations, and you'd SWEAR you were in a foreign country...
Because you don't UNDERSTAND ONE WORD of what they're saying...
And so...
from where I sit,
there are TWO choices here...
You can
 1) Become obsolete yourself, while clinging to your old ways,
 hoping against hopes that you will NOT be left ALONE...
or
2) Get off your stubborn ass, and JUMP IN, FEET FIRST...
Sink or Swim !!
And BELIEVE ME, my friends.,,,,
If THEY can do it, so can YOU....

So it's that time of year...

when things tend to end..at least for the season...
The Cycles of life continue.....
The Seasons...
Ecclesiastes' words come to mind...
Schools gives the kids a good, long break...
Schedules relax...
The days get hot and the sun stays up there in the sky for LONG periods of time...
Thursdays end the work week...
Generally, there is a kind of collective "sigh of relief" which one can almost hear in the quiet of the long days...
And way up in the sky...
high above all of this GENERAL, HUMAN LAPSE in activity,
 there floats an ethereal blanket of "whimsy"...
GOLD in color....a soft gold...
almost like a HALO really...
An AURA of GOLD stretches its silky, smoky haze across the entire SEASON somehow...
And one gets the distinct feeling that this AURA
 holds within it a collection of MEMORIES,,,of IMAGES...
of CONCEPTS....of CREATION somehow..
Let's call it a "Creative Sanctuary"....
And this place...this "ethereal cacophony of wonder and light"..
Well...
It actually SWAYS back and forth softly...rhythmically...
It LIVES...it breathes...
Are you getting the picture ?

My Baby Graduated From Middle School Today...

...all 5'11" of him...
And sitting there in the audience of proud parents, it suddenly occurred to me....
that ALL the baby-ness was gone...
And in front of me stood a man....no longer a child...not at all...
And in this moment of EPIPHANY , I realized that he was no longer an "open book"...
that his life was his own...
his private thoughts and actions were no longer MINE to scrutinize and analyze....
but HIS, to contemplate and initiate in his own way....in his own time....
And this awakening on my part was fraught with NOSTALGIA....with EMOTION...
We WANT our children to thrive and to grow...
We spend our "parental lives" aspiring to this VERY outcome...
And yet, the BITTERSWEET knowledge that a door is closing hangs over the scene....
NOT in a SAD way exactly.....but in a POETICALLY JARRING way...
And I need to close now because my tears are saturating the screen as I type...
And so it goes.....

Superficiality ??

What separates "soft news" from "hard news" ?
Which is more significant ?
Is it somehow advantageous to KNOW the "hard stuff" ?
or..
Is it really just as well to dabble in the "TRITE" ?
As I stand up indignantly for WORLD ISSUES...hunger, devastation, terrorism,,,
it occurs to me that MAYBE I oughta cut these "denialists" some slack ...
MAYBE they're just trying to keep their heads above water ...
MAYBE they go home at night and weep for the people and things gone awry....
I'm HOPING against hopes that they're not weeping and pining for the CHANEL SUITS of yesteryear...

When does a LIE become the Last Straw ?

How many of you have LIED before ?
I'm going out on a limb and guessing that ALL of you have LIED upon occasion...
So, based on that theory....
When does a LIE become something "other" than "normal" behavior ?
When does Lying BREAK the trust ?
BREAK the relationship ?
When does a LIE lead us to a point of NO RETURN ?
When does Lying actually BREAK SACRED COMMANDMENTS ??
Furthermore...
When is TELLING a LIE OK ?
When is it warranted ?
Necessitated ???
Thoughts ?

And ALL of this ESOTERIC INFORMATION is being HURLED at us...

We are certainly living in a time of HIGH INTENSITY SPEED....
Information is flying at us....
veritable BOATLOADS of information...
And our poor little brain has no real choice , but to filter 'said' information...
Because there is NO WAY to "Process" EVERYTHING at this level of lightening speed...
So we pick up SNIPPETS...CRUMBS...
of once potentially 'whole' concepts...
And in doing so, we inevitably lose CONTEXT in its ENTIRETY...
And make no mistake,
LOSING CONTEXT IS DECIDEDLY NOT the goal.....

So what are we really being left with, you ask ?
Well....
Bits and Pieces, it would seem,  of fragmented, ESOTERIC matter...
disguarded as a result of their SHEER DENSITY...
Shamans say that "Words have WEIGHT"...
I say that CONCEPTS are pieced and sottered together like a puzzle of gold dust...

Does this make sense ?

 

Timothy Post....Pilgrim.....

Timothy Post, Pilgrim, sat atop a BIG rock ,parched, crying,
wondering where his "group" had disappeared to...
He had lost his way some 4 days prior...
Here's what had happened:
Far off in the distance, Timothy had seen a gathering of Trees.....
like a Green Haze of foliage...
And there had been something so captivating about this "ball of green",
that he had begun walking toward it...
almost beyond his own will...
It had been a kind of "longing" that his body had felt at the sight of the "Emerald Mirage"...
He had walked and walked and walked....for DAYS....
Yet the beautiful Green Ball had never seemed to be any closer...
And then, on the fourth day, Timothy realized that he was VERY, VERY FAR AWAY
 from his fellow Pilgrims...
that he had, on some level, "Left the Building"...
Well...
the young man had not eaten a bite since the walk began....
He had gone 4 days with no water to boot...aside from the few drops of rain he'd swallowed 2 days prior,,,,
As he sat, weeping, parched,  on the rock,,,,
he felt a profound and BITTER YEARNING for his Mother Country.....
for England...
for the fog and the mist and the crust-less sandwiches,
 and the all-together HUMOURLESS blokes ....
Where was he anyway ?
What was this strange and empty place ?
For some bizarre reason, he reached randomly into his jacket pocket at that moment and,
JOY of JOYS,,,, 
he pulled out a FULLY Wrapped, chocolate bar!!!
At least,,,,,he could eat....


 

It's a NEW DAY...

She sat on the lilac-covered veranda...
on a blanket made of CRYSTAL and Cinnamon...
And she tore away at the petals of a "gilded flower"...
All the while wondering where the road would lead her..
(She hated the word "PATH")...
But not as much as she detested the word "JOURNEY"..
ewwwwwwwwww
In any case, there she sat...in deep contemplation...
as the "much-too-early" heat enveloped her in its VORACIOUS GRIP...